It is a path with many obstacles, and I think it will always be that way. But happiness is predominant. In year eight, of school, I already wrote that my biggest wish was ‘a family with children of my own, and adopted children’. Not knowing at the time that this would actually come true. First, I got pregnant with Sam. I had been together with his father for 11 years at that point, but he left even before Sam was born. Suddenly, I was a single mother. Still, my wish to adopt as well, remained. In the end, I decided to go for it. Thabang was 3 and a half years old when we went to get him from Lesotho (South-Africa). He instantly clung on to me, and would not let go. He also loved Sam. It felt right between us from the start.

It is a path with many obstacles, and I think it will always be that way. But happiness is predominant. In year eight, of school, I already wrote that my biggest wish was ‘a family with children of my own, and adopted children’. Not knowing at the time that this would actually come true. First, I got pregnant with Sam. I had been together with his father for 11 years at that point, but he left even before Sam was born. Suddenly, I was a single mother. Still, my wish to adopt as well, remained. In the end, I decided to go for it. Thabang was 3 and a half years old when we went to get him from Lesotho (South-Africa). He instantly clung on to me, and would not let go. He also loved Sam. It felt right between us from the start.

It is a lot of work, though. Not just because I am alone. Although I would like to share certain things about the adoption at times, it is also easier sometimes to make my own decisions about raising him. I am a teacher, so I have a lot of experience with children.

Therefore, I made the choice to be open to a child with special needs. Thabang has HIV. In the preparatory period before the adoption, some people in my environment were worried about this. This was hard for me sometimes. But now that he is here, those worries have disappeared. HIV is a chronic illness, but sufferers can lead a long life. He is doing well, he is healthy and most people love him. I only received positive reactions about him actually, and HIV is not a big part of our lives anymore. He gets a check-up every few months, and that is it.

I

I am more preoccupied with his attachment issues and the social problems that are created by these. It worried me to find out that his behaviour showed a lot of signs of an attachment disorder. Like, constantly attracting and then repelling people. And he can be a bit of a rascal. More than the rascals that I am used to teaching. Putting coffee cups with the dirty washing in the washing machine, pouring lemonade into the fish bowl, and he even called 999 once. He really startles me. At the same time, he wants to be good. I can see that. And if things do not go the way he wants them to, he throws a tantrum.

The first 4 and a half years, things were actually fine at home. About six months ago, I decided to seek out help. Thabang was clearly unhappy, and Sam is getting closer to puberty. The combination did not work so well. Sam needs to remember that Thabang reacts differently to things sometimes. Thabang is now receiving help with coping with his anger and tantrums, and I can see that it is already helping. But he just needs a lot of attention.

It is understandable, though. He lived in an orphanage for 2 and a half years. When he finally left the walls of the orphanage, the world was overwhelming. So many stimuli. Of course, I struggle with the thought of what his life would have been like if he stayed in Lesotho sometimes. I get confronted with that often. Around Mothers and Fathers Day I always think about that. These are difficult days for me. He could have been happy there. Because materialism does not create happiness. But a loving environment does, and I am trying to create that for him most of all. Thabang would have probably ended up on the streets at age 12. With HIV on top of that, a big problem in Lesotho. I keep having mixed feelings about it. The questions that some people ask can be confrontational. People often want to know a lot. And I answer all of their questions, but sometimes I do not feel like it at all. They tend to be quick to label people. Instead, they should just look at Thabang, at what kind of person he is. I do not always want to think of it myself. There are other things in life. But it will always play a big part one way or another. I expect that the future will bring many ups and downs, adoption-related as well. What will happen during puberty? Everyone loves him now, but will it remain to be that way? He will undoubtedly be confronted with discrimination at some point. He is growing up in a rather safe environment now. Yes, it is hard work. And with that, adoption has been a big influence on my life. But in the end, it is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

Tekst: Kim van Schie                      Fotografie: Ton Sondag