I want to make a good impression, so that people will like me. If I have an idea, I want the execution of that idea to be ten times better. That also applies to the search for my biological parents. I want it to succeed, I put everything else aside for that. Everything has to yield, because if I do not succeed, I am not good enough. That is the feeling that drives me.

This applies to everything in life. No matter if it is my work, or when I am on stage as a musician. I want to be seen, and I want people to like me. If you connect this to adoption, you could say it is about being given up for adoption; that you are not good enough because of that. I think it is partially the way I was raised, or the expectations that society creates. Sometimes I also recognise that need to achieve in my own children.

AFTERWARDS I WONDER IF I HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS WITH THAT.

 
I was born in Java, Indonesia. I think that I was six weeks old when I went from my biological mother to a childcare organisation. Two weeks later, I went to the Netherlands. The stated reason on the adoption papers for giving me up is financial, but also being born out of wedlock. My father’s name was unknown. It did include the name and address of my mother: her name was Warni, but after my first search -that I started through Facebook- this woman told me that it was not her, but her younger sister who is my mother. But two weeks ago, the result of the DNA test came back negative. That made me feel very depressed.

The search continues now. Part 1 failed, part 2 has to succeed. Otherwise, I will be sorry. The longer it takes, the bigger the chance that my parents are not there anymore at all. I wanted to search completely by myself, to prove myself. Now I have help, but I still find it hard to let go. I want to keep control.

I also see this in the music I make. That has been a big outlet since I was sixteen. Music feels so familiar and natural. But I am a perfectionist as well. I feel best when I work as a solo artist. This means I have control. I am currently still playing with someone else, but a whole band just does not work very well. My perfectionism has been the end of many musical friendships. I wrote a song about the feeling that there is a biological family of mine somewhere. Mainly about my brother, who is also mentioned in the adoption papers. But I did not agree with the producer. I cannot let go of the idea that I have about it. Afterwards, I wonder if I hurt people’s feelings with that. I can be very direct.

My wife, Thea, understands me. She wants to get the most out of her work as well. We have been together since we were teenagers. We met each other on Ameland, where I grew up. But because of my search for my biological parents, she sometimes feels ignored. Just like my adoptive parents. They raised me with love, and genuinely support my search, but I can be so focused on it. I understand that the people around me have mixed feelings about it.

((The interview with Sander dates from 2015. At the start of 2018, he is still actively looking for his biological family. National and international media attention have not led to the desired result yet. But Sander is not giving up, and he has put his hope in an important witness who has information about his adoption).

Tekst: Kim van Schie  Fotografie: Ton Sondag