I do not like going to Poland, my country of birth. When I used to go there on holidays with my adoptive parents, I was always afraid that they would leave me there, that they did not want me after all.

That is why I did not want to go to Poland. My adoptive mother used to say: “of course I will not leave you behind, you are my child!” And I would be relieved for a little while, but never for long. I do not want to go to Poland now, imagine meeting my biological mother or sisters there, without knowing. That thought is unbearable for me. In the future, I would like to search for my mother, but not yet. I want to have more stability for myself first, and feel more secure. I am scared of searching, of the possible disappointment. Imagine that she would say: “I do not want to see you.”

My parents and my girlfriend are my safe haven. But behind that, there is room. I am not good at working with others, and my reactions are not always easy to understand for others. I can react emotionally and thinks: “was this a smart thing to do?” afterwards. I am grateful that my adoptive parents wanted to adopt me. In the end, I do not have a real family. Without my adoptive parents I had nothing. They never kept my adoption a secret. They have always been open about it, and they have supported me, even though I was not always the easiest person.

MY WALL IS BEING BROKEN DOWN BIT BY BIT SINCE I RECEIVED HELP.

 
For example, if I felt like I could not do anything right as a child, and when stormed to my room, my dad would come to me. His presence would make me feel better, even if only for a while. I never used to talk about my feelings. I kept everything inside and cried when I was alone in my bed. Especially as a teenager, it was tough. I had questions: “why did my biological mother not want me? Why could I not stay there?” I was very closed off. A boy with a wall around him. I struggled with myself, which is why I got into therapy at age 16. It turned out I had reactive attachment disorder. I asked my psychologist to explain this to me in simple language, and he said: “imagine that in those 20 months that you were in an orphanage, your needs were rarely met. You cried, but nobody came to look after you. So eventually, you stopped crying so you would no longer be disappointed. And you are still doing the same thing today. You are not expressing your emotions, so you will not be disappointed”. By knowing this, I can try to express myself more. I used to react physically instead of with an emotion. That has decreased now. Since I get help, I am a calmer person. I was taking an mbo course to become a nurse, but the theoretic part was not going well. I was struggling with my adoption, I had a big mouth. That is why I took a step back: I took an individual healthcare course, and I have a contract for 24 hours a week with home care. I am content.

The professional help I got has helped me a lot. I started to accept myself more for who I am. I have also learnt that when you are struggling with yourself, there are always people who can help you. You are never alone. I gained more trust in people. My wall is being broken down bit by bit since I got help. I think I need to be realistic; the wall will never be completely gone, but it will become lower and lower.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs  Fotografie: Ton Sondag